In every relationship, moments arise that challenge the connection between partners. Emotional buildup can create distance and unnecessary conflict. This blog provides a step by step guide for clearing the air with your partner, especially helping men address relationship conflicts. Women often hold unprocessed feelings that can cause resentment. Understanding that men and women process emotions differently is key. Women need a safe space to express themselves to feel heard and safe.
Offering a listening ear to your partner is essential. You don’t need to solve her feelings but listen to what she has to share. This guide helps prevent feelings of being unheard, a common cause for relationship breakdowns. By following these steps, you can navigate conflicts more effectively and build a stronger, happier relationship.
The Importance of attentive Awareness
Awareness is a gift, that the masculine brings into the relationship, it’s his nature as a man. Being aware of your woman’s emotional state and whether she feels safe or not, serves as the foundation for trust and connection. In order to open up to you, she needs to trust you. You can help her feel safe by recognizing when there’s unresolved “residue” that needs to be lifted. This comprehensive guide offers a structured approach for men to navigate these challenges, and creating a culture of understanding and empathy.
A Seven-Step Process for Healing and Connection
Step 1: Setting the Container
Creating a Safe Space for her to share what’s on her heart
Prepare your partner for the conversation. This preparation signals your deep awareness and empathy for any pain she may hold. When setting her up, make sure she is ready for it. That way something in her can relax, because by doing so you show her that your awareness is generous and wide enough to feel what is going on for her and that there is still something that aches in her. Suggesting a specific time, such as after dinner, signals to your partner that this is a dedicated moment for connection and healing.
Step 2: She uses the format to clear what’s on her herat
Staying Present and Grounded
You can open the conversation with: “My love, I can feel there is some resentment or disappointment. Can you take a couple of minutes and just share with me, what it is, what happened?” As the woman, it’s helpful to frame it like: “when you did this, I thought, I felt…”. Make it about a very specific thing. Aim for a 2-3 min conversation, don’t bring up another thing, to not overwhelm your man’s nervous system.
As she shares, look into her eyes, stay connected to your breath and show her that you’re fully there for her. If possible, maintain some form of physical contact, like holding her hands, to enhance the connection and understanding.
Step 3: Repeat Her Words to Calm her Nervous System
Listening Without Sharing Your Perspective
Attentively listen and mirror back her words without layering on your own interpretation, ensuring she feels acknowledged and secure. This technique eases her nervous system, fostering a sense of safety and understanding.
Phrase it like, “So, when I did this, you felt the need to run or scream, is that what you’re saying?” Steer clear of mixing in your perspective. This moment is for her feelings to be heard and validated, not for debating the details or reaching a resolution. Simply restate her expressions, “When I did this, you felt or you wanted to… have I got that right?” Inquire if there’s anything she feels you’ve missed, which helps her feel seen and assists in soothing any unease.
Step 4: Express Empathy
Taking Responsibility for Your Actions
Acknowledging the impact of your actions and owning the fact that it caused your partner pain is a crucial step. It involves expressing understanding and empathy for her feelings, validating her experience, and appologizing for any hurt caused.
Step 5: Seek Further Clarification
Ensuring All Feelings Are Acknowledged
Asking open-ended questions like, “Is there anything else you wanted me to acknowledge?” ensures that all of her feelings and concerns have been fully understood and met. This step allows for her to feel safe and truly seen.
Step 6: Ask What if there is anything else that She Needs
Clear any residue
Ask, “Is there anything you need from me to move forward?” If you can’t immediately meet her needs, acknowledge them by saying, “It makes sense you’d want that. I’ll work on it.”
For her: Focus on the current issue without adding more. Your partner’s capacity to engage is around 15 minutes, so keep it concise.
Step 7: Seal the Repair with Praise
Affirming Love and Connection
Ending the repair with praise shifts you, the man, from acting as a caregiver, which may echo what she lacked from her parents, to taking on the role of a healer. This step is key in healing each other’s nervous system. Lead this part as the masculine, the culture you want to create in the relationship is the culture of repair and openness.
Incorporating These Steps into Daily Practice
Implementing this seven-step process into your relationship practice can create deeper connection and mutual trust in the relationship. It might not be easy at first, but will create tremendous results, if you stick to the guide lines.
Most important thing is to listen, without adding your own opinion or view of things. Don’t make your partner wrong for what they are feeling. This is the biggest mistake I see men make. They think from their masculine brain, if they can just convince their partner that there is no problem, and that she doesn’t need to feel like this, the situation is solved.
Women can of course hold this container for their partner as well, but it’s the masculine’s gift to address unprocessed debris between both partners and to create space for clearing.
This blog was inspired by John Wineland’s teachings, who gave the structure to lead this conversation of repair and trust.
Need additional help? Book a free 30min discovery call here to see if we are a good fit to work together, or I’ll at least point you in the right direction or refer you to someone else. No strings attached!
